It seriously can’t get any worse.
I wish being twenty two was easy but it just isn’t. Everyone is in competition for jobs, boyfriends and having the smallest gut. I fail at all of these things. Even my skinny high waited jeans make me look huge and this is suppose to be impossible according to the Topshop adverts. Jobless graduate is hardly appealing either. And spotty ginger just tops the bill.
Watching Bridget Jones angers me because her diary really isn’t that bad. Renee doesn’t even need those fucking granny pants anyway and no where does she explain just how uncomfortable they are to wear! If I was to ever take my clothes off in front of a man wearing those I’m sure they’d tell me to jog on not make me cum. At the beginning of the film (because I cannot be arsed to read the book) when Renee is sat alone singing “all by myself” surrounded in a pile of her own filth i am reminded that this scene seems to be my life on permanent replay. Today for example I did nothing again but I did make fish pie which them turned into a molten lava mess whilst sat surrounded by magazines and an unmade bed.
Life isn’t falling apart, of course, I just want to complain about it even more than I already do. I feel my twenties are a time when I should be exploring my potential yet currently all I find myself doing is criticising my past exploration. Men are pissing me off, the weather is pissing me off, this town is pissing me off then the fact that a few days ago it was sunny, i loved my town and I was having sex seems so irrelevant today. Swings and roundabouts of depression are inevitable at this junction of my twenties but it’s really starting to fuck me off!
I have beautiful, smart, funny friends who I love dearly however I always find myself in a jealous haze whenever near them. After three years apart at university I find I love my old friends even more and now we have graduated I suppose we we are all in the same boat. But this isn’t true! They have steady relationships, don’t need to loose two and a half stone and seem to be finding new work relatively easily. And even the people I used to know and love (who I can no longer even drum up enough to say hello to at the pub) seem to be doing great in life and I resent that/them even more!!
I’m having sex with a guy I’ve known forever and I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad plan but none the less I hope it continues. I’ve learnt so much about myself through recent flings…mainly that I’m a bit of a slag but more so that I really need to start standing up for myself and not feeling like a complete twat driving a guy back to his at 2 in the morning because he desperately wants to leave because he’s ‘petrified’….that’s an actual quote from a recent.
Job hunting is laborious and a constant reminder of how little I can do. A need to have experience without anyone offering experience is soul destroying. McDonald’s seems appealing after a week of looking at jobs that I could do but after applying asking myself do I actually want to do that?!
I promise I will start ‘doing’ tomorrow. I have told myself this everyday since June 6th when university started to slow down and I prepared myself for running away to America. This is a long time ago and I still haven’t started ‘doing’. I want to start writing down my Bridget Jones moments in the hope that it encourages me every day to get off my arse and achieve something.
Fingers crossed…No fucking hope!